What’s with the orange lady?

I was out at Grand Beach yesterday, which is about an hour from where I live. There’s always some good (and not so good) eye candy out there, of both the male and female variety. I’m usually jealous of the chiselled bodies with deep tans, and comforted by the sight of the saggy pasty ones.

But one sight just plain horrified me. I was waiting in line at one of the snack stands to buy ice cream, and noticed that the lady in front of me had nearly fluorescent orange feet. At first, I thought maybe she had walked in a puddle of paint or orange pop or something equally odd. As my gaze continued upward, so did the orange hue. Although not as bright as her feet, her legs, back, and arms were all orange! Her hands were almost as pumpkin-like as her feet!

Now, I can remember when self-tanners first came out. I was about 15 years old, and I did try some back then. They were really tricky to put on evenly and invariably turned you a bit orange. But this is 13 years later! I haven’t personally tried self-tanner since, but my understanding from some magazines I’ve read is that the stuff has evolved quite well over time and doesn’t make you look like you sprung from your carrot patch anymore. You can even buy it in a spray bottle instead of a lotion to avoid looking streaky.

So, in the year 2007, what is Pumpkin Lady’s excuse? Is she still on the same bottle she bought in 1994? Does she realize how bad she looks? (I’m assuming she doesn’t, poor thing.) Does she realize there’s better stuff out there? If I was rude enough to give a complete stranger my unsolicited advice (I feel rude enough bashing her anonymously online), I’d suggest that she do one of two things: either brown yourself naturally with those lovely cancer-causing UV rays, or slop on the sunscreen and be proud of your pasty whiteness. Even a tanning bed would give her a more natural-looking tan (but also has UV rays). As a last resort, if you must be brown without the sun, invest your money in a high-quality product that does the job properly!

~ by catherinebrydendueck on September 2, 2007.